My friend has just open a package of vanilla icecream with pistage nuts and raspberry/blueberry jam and puts in the table. I have some and then she asks me if I want more. “I do actually” I reply, and take some more. But the second I do, a tiny voice starts to whisper in my head “You’re gonna get fat! You had an icecream yesterday aswell and you haven’t worked out that much this week! If you’re fat, no man will want you, you’re not gonna get any dancejobs, you’re gonna…” And right about here, I quit listening to it and start enjoying my delocious icecream. It’s not as easy as it sounds but it’s easier now than it was about 6 months ago.
#throwbackfriday to about the end of January this year.
Apart from teaching 19 danceclasses/week, I also went to the gym 4, 5 times/week. Lifting weights to get bigger muscles, did a lot of cardio so the fat on my body would vanish and all the muscles would show even more, and eating next to NO carbs or fat, and ONLY protein. I ate fast food and candy too. But only once/week. And I did lose weight and my body got really toned and everyone told me what a good girl I was, what a strong character I have, how great I looked because I looked so thin…
Except I had no energy. At least not for anything other than my everyday-workout. On Mondays I had 60 min dance/singing class with seventeen 8 year-olds, and after that 4 other classes. Imagine doing that when all you had to eat that day is some tuna and low fat cottage cheese. Imagine what lever your patience would be. And imagine this repeating every single day.
I started to get small anxiety attacks. That grew bigger and bigger. Every time I passed a mirror I was obsessed about how my waist looked that day. I constantly compared myself with other women, how thin they were, if I was thinner than them, “if I run a mile 6 days a week, I will get down to the perfect size, and then I will stop dieting…”
Until one day a friend asked me what I eat. I told him (and I was proud) “Protein only, except for fruit and vegetables, no fat and no carbs.” He said “So you never eat like, potatoes or meat?” I said no. Then he said the four magic words: “Anna, you gotta eat!” I objected and claimed I do eat! A lot! And I got irritated because he doesn’t know how hard I have to work for my body to look like it does!
That Monday I hadn’t had time to shop for groceries so I bought food on my way to work. The only thing I could bare myself to eat was a pie. Not anything I would usually eat, but it was cheap and I didn’t have a lot of time before my classes started. It was a small pie. Loaded with carbs. But I warmed it up in the microwave at work and I ate it.
And the second I had my first bite, I could actually feel the energy rising up in my body. In fact, my body was thanking me! For finally giving it the energy it had been craving for the last half year (I had been on the low fat-low carb diet since August 2013). And the 60 min with the 8 year olds suddenly didn’t feel as long anymore. I had much more patience and became a better teacher.
That same evening I went to the store and bought bacon, cheese, bread, and butter and decided to stop divide food into negative and positive groups. It’s food, period! And I’m gonna eat what I want, when I want!
Don’t get me wrong, I consider my body being my temple and I am careful of what I stuff it with, and I love working out, dancing, running – but if I want to eat icecream 2 days in a row, I will, and it will not make me a bad person if I do.
And neither are You. ❤️
Me as my dance-teaching self
Me as my MMB-self!